Misdemeanors in Shopping
by gonesiriuslyblack
Summary: James and Sirius are sent on an errand for Lily that involves...finding the meatiest and best looking breasts and thighs! What? Read on to find out; maybe you can leave with a chuckle or a smile.


**I'm baaackkk! With more Marauders humor! Read on, maybe you'll get a chuckle out of it... or at least a grin.**

* * *

"I like big, white breasts," said Sirius as he licked his lips.

"They're all white, you moron. That's the way breasts are made," James replied, rolling his eyes.

"No, I quite disagree. Some are white, but some are darker."

"No, Padfoot, you're thinking of thighs. Birds have white breasts and dark thighs."

Sirius contemplated this. "Hmm…you know, I believe you're right."

"_Really_?" James replied sarcastically.

Sirius glared at him. They continued to survey the goods around them.

"I think we need her," said Sirius, pointing toward a chick.

"No, no, no; her breasts are much too small."

"Picky, are we? All in for large breasts nowadays, James Potter is," Sirius replied acerbically.

"We have to pick the right bird. Whichever one we choose will be taken back to Lily, and she fancies big breasts. That's her favorite part," James explained.

"Oh, I quite understand. Breasts are my favorite part too," said Sirius seriously.

"Really? I fancy meaty thighs myself."

"Meaty thighs? That sounds quite disgusting, Prongs. Who on earth would want big thighs?"

"Well, I would, obviously," James huffed. "What about that bird?" James asked, pointing.

"No, she's too bony. Look, see?"

"I like my birds with a lot of bones in them," James pouted.

Sirius smirked. "Particularly your own bone, then, ay mate?" He broke into guffaws.

"Bloody pervert," scowled James, but he couldn't hold back a small smile.

"What about this one?" Sirius asked, trying again to move toward a decision.

"No, look at the shape she's in. Looks like she's been handled by everyone who's walked through this joint. I don't want a bird that's had every bloody man's hands in London all over her."

Sirius grimaced. "Point taken. Well, look over there. That one looks quite fresh."

"Yeah, I suppose she does. But she also looks quite small." He groaned in frustration. "I wish Lily would've come with us. She's always been better at choosing a bird than I am. Seems to know which ones have the right fixings inside and out, Lily does."

"Yeah, well, Lily's not bloody well here, is she? We'd be done by now if she were. We're just going to have to bloody man up and make a choice. Why don't we compare prices? You only get the bird once or twice before she's gone, may as well not go top notch."

"Yeah, yeah," James replied. "This one says…four pounds. How much is a pound?"

"How the bloody hell should I know?" Sirius asked incredulously. "I don't very well speak Muggle, do I?"

"Do you boys need help with something?" James and Sirius turned to find a stout elderly woman standing behind them.

"My wife sent us out to buy a good-looking bird for tonight. We're having a bit of trouble deciding," James explained.

The woman waddled over to the birds and began examining them. After a moment, she summoned the boys over to her.

"You want this one," she told them. "Large breasts and portly thighs; there will be plenty of meat to go around."

"Thank you very much!" James replied.

"Now if only we could figure out how to work Muggle money," Sirius muttered.

"Muggle? That's an interesting term." The old woman considered them. "Are you studying abroad?"

Sirius smirked widely. "Well, ma'am, to be honest, I've studied many a broad."

The woman scowled at him. Quite suddenly, she whipped out a short stick from what seemed like midair, aimed it at Sirius, and sent him flying backward several feet.

James watched his best friend sail through the air. When he turned back to look at the old woman, she had disappeared. James let out a roaring laugh at Sirius's stunned face.

"She's a bloody witch, I tell you! Burn her, burn her!" Sirius called.

"Sirius, so are we," James replied after he had calmed down, rolling his eyes.

"That's a shock. You may be one, but I am certainly not a _witch_," said Sirius, coming out of his stupor and gesturing toward his lower anatomy for reference.

"Oh, you know bloody well what I mean!" James replied. "Padfoot, she got you good."

"Yeah, yeah, I guess so," Sirius admitted, grinning a bit. "I'm ready to go now."

James, unsure how to convert his sickles into pounds, left all the spare money he had in his pocket near the display. Then, he scooped the bird into his arms, and the boys apparated home.

* * *

"Lily! Lily, love, I got the bird you wanted!"

Sirius cleared his throat.

"Ahem, _we _got the bird you wanted!" James corrected.

"Really? That's…fantastic," Lily said, an odd smile on her lips.

"Look, perfect breasts and thighs and everything! Go on, touch her!"

"An old woman helped us pick her out, so we know she'll be absolutely perfect! Old women know everything. But then she bloody went and attacked me," Sirius told her.

"The bird?" Lily asked.

"No, the old woman!"

"Well, I'm sure you were asking for it, Sirius."

"Wha—okay, maybe," Sirius answered sheepishly.

James watched his wife for a moment. "You don't look happy. Why don't you look happy?"

Lily sighed. "How many men does it take to go to market? Apparently more than two."

"I'm sorry, I'm not following you," replied Sirius, confused.

"Boys…I asked you to buy steaks for dinner. _Not chicken_."

James examined the bird in his hands. "Damn it."

So James and Sirius were off again for more misdemeanors in shopping.

* * *

**Yeah, so it was a bit stupid- one of my earlier ideas that I wrote down when I was just beginning to write fanfiction. I just had to write it; I was having serious withdrawals after finishing OTSATM (for those of you who are not my regular readers, OTSATM is the SB/RL story that I recently finished writing). Anyway, I hope this at least made you smile or shake your head at our poor, helpless boys! Have a great day, and leave a review if you feel like it! :D**


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